The man I fell in love with

Yes, I met him at the party last year. I got stuck in the toilet - couldnt work the lock to get out. Panicked. Hyperventilated. My fingers all numb and pins and needles all over my face. I was sobbing, quietly at first, then large, loud, wet sobs.

He (I shall call him Heathcliff) came to the door and asked if he could help. Such a gentleman! Then went to his car, got a spanner thingy and, with some ffing and blinding, managed to get me out.

Well, I went home mortified, as you can imagine.

But he phoned me, out of the blue, some weeks later. Could he come and see me?

So, one thing led to another. He became a regular visitor.

Yes, dear reader, I fell head over heels in love.

But, of course, it did not end well. More later.

Sooooo Silent

OK, I know I have been a BAAAAD blogger.
A great deal of interesting stuff has happened to me.

I fell in love. I lost weight.

I was dumped. I gained weight and went into emotional hibernation.

Now I am back with new resolutions:
1. no more men
2. no more chocolate
3. no more gin
4. no more couch potato

How long will I maintain this "no more" list?
Who knows!

Controversy about this blog

I didn't realise how people would feel about my blogging. Some of my friends are very supportive but some are quite uneasy. I don't really know why. This blog is about me, not them.

Anyway, to calm their nerves, I have removed some personal posts, anonymised most of the posted information and changed some names.

I did wonder whether to abandon posting altogether. But then decided that I wanted to continue. Once I get going again, I know I will find it therapeutic and helpful.

Recovering

It is two weeks since I lasted posted. You are probably wondering what I have been up to. Well, good news and bad news.

The bad news was that I had a terrible trip to the Big Smoke. Being rather large means that nobody wants to sit next to you on trains. And, if the train is crowded, they have no choice. I don't blame people for not wanting to sit next to me as I do tend to spill over into their territory, but, if looks could kill, I would be dead by now. When I arrived at the station, I needed the loo but couldn't fit into the cubicle. So had to abandon the attemp to empty my bladder and completed the rest of the journey with my fingers crossed, hoping not to have an accident.

The train journey was bad enough, but the underground was even worse. The barriers are not designed for larger women. I had to ask them to open the luggage barrier so that I could get through. On the escalators people kept pushing past in the "fast lane". I don't know why people are always half running in London but nobody seems to walk at a normal pace. I don't mind people pushing past me, but I do mind the whispered sounds of irritation.

So, all in all, quite humiliating.

The party was a disaster. I will describe it a some point but am not ready to talk about it yet. Cathy and I fell out and had a huge row. Needless to say we are still not talking.

But, one surprisingly good thing did happen.

More later.

Not in a good mood

Back from London. Exhausted. Emotionally and physically drained. My back hurts, my knees ache and my feet are swollen.

I am feeling too emotional to say more. Will try and explain tomorrow.

Need some of my special Brandy. Then a long hot bath. Then bed.

Tired, worried and stressed

Why am I up so late and posting this blog instead of getting my beauty sleep? Well, I am all nervy and stressy about tomorrow. Crazy!

The cabbage diet has been tough for me to follow. Quite fun the first day. Boring the second day. Have had big wind problem but did manage to drop 4 pounds.

Cesi has done wonders with my black dress and it fits like a second skin. (And I mean literally, like a second skin.) With pair of new shoes and a bit of hubby's gorgeous jewellry, I do look quite fine. Must remember to keep breathing in. And mustn't cough or sneeze - because seams might split.

So, I am off to the big smoke tomorrow and to the dreaded party. Wish me luck.

Friendship is everything

Feeling better today. My two bestest girly friends came round yesterday and cheered me up. We cracked open a really fruity Chardonnay and had some gorgeous nutty nibbles. We discussed the world and important questions like "Why does it always rain on Bank Holidays????"

Cesi had a look at my dress option and believes she can take out a few seams and turn my too-tight black party dress into a just-close-fitting-enough black party dress. She is a whizz with a needle.

Dee gave me some diet advice. Cabbage soup and lots of water. Guaranteed to lose half a stone by Saturday.

So, looks like the trip to the Big Smoke is definitely on. And so is the party.

Couldn't face cabbage soup for brekky. So thin piece of toast, low fat spread and smidge of marmalade again. Am feeling thin (and hungry) already. Big pot of black coffee urgently needed. Bye for now.

Found some fellow dieters blogging

This lady (skinnybat) is worried about her weight. BUT according to her list thing next to her blog (how do you make those) she weighs 144 lb or so. I make that 10stone and 4 pounds. She is 5 ft 9 in tall. This makes her a TWIGLET! Next to me she would look like pencil. Interestingly she lists what she has eaten and the calorie count. I am not familiar with some of the things on her list (I deduce she is an American) but I do have the same skill of knowing exactly how many calories are in each mouthful I eat/stuff/gobble/consume. 20 years of dieting has taught me something after all!

However, this did make me think about how I could use this blog to monitor my diet and weight.

Back to my own diet. Did really well yesterday.

• 8:00am - Light breakfast thin toast with low fat spread and sugar-free marmalade.
• 10:00 - elevenses of fruit
• 11:45am - Light lunch of chicken and salad (very hungry)
• 2:00pm - more fruit
• 3:00 pm - chopped raw vegetables
• 5:00 pm - ryvita with cottage cheese followed by fruit
• 7:00 pm - no more fruit in house, so had small slice of toast, butter and marmit.
• 8:30 pm - bowl of cereal
• 11:00 pm - couple of biscuits before bed (OK, more like 6 - but they were digestives and therefore good for me.

So, that went well didn't it?

The reason for being tearful

I have decided there is no point in keeping a blog unless I am honest in my postings. So here goes. Last night I had a bottle of lovely velvety Merlot. Followed by a small glass of my special brandy. Then I had a good cry.

Part of me knows that I cried because I had too much to drink. And I was on my own. And I was missing my dear hubby and gorgeous children - all now gone elsewhere.

BUT, the real reason I cried, I think, is because I am so unhappy with myself. More specifically, with my size and shape. And that is also one one of the reasons that I dislike going to the Big Smoke. Also the reason why I hate parties. I looked at my party clothes and found a collection of old frocks - none of which fit me. Know that I will have to wear the dreaded embroidered "tent" dress again which covers my bulges but makes me look pregnant.

It is EMBARASSING being this size. It is HUMILIATING. It is deeply, deeply SAD.

Have just re-read that last sentence and notice I used the phrase "being this size". Also I use phrases like "larger lady", "mature figure", "fuller figure", "curvy", "well rounded", etc. etc. etc. When the truth is that I am just plain FAT.

Therefore, I have made a BIG DECISION. I am definitely, absolutely, dead-cert, going on a proper diet. Will aim to shift a few pounds before the weekend with Cathy. Maybe I will be able to find something more flattering to wear than the tent. So, started breakfast with the following:

1. Black tea, followed by black (yuck) coffee.
2. THIN slice of toast with scraping of low fat spread and some old low-sugar marmalade, dug out the back of the fridge.
3. 1 bannana, 2 small oranges and a grapefruit with sweetener.

Am still hungry but feeling thinner already.

Zenda is shrinking!

Keeping up my blogging

Wow. Can't believe I have not updated blog for so long! Had a friend (Cathy) come to stay last weekend and we have absolutely lovely time - gardening talk, make up talk (do anti-wrinkle creams really work?), girly talk and, of course, diet talk.

Cathy regards herself as plump. By my standards she is positively thin.

Anyway, having a lazy weekend this week. Will do some baking and I might go to the gym. Have enrolled in a cookery class. Just remembered gym is shut over Sun and Monday due to bank holiday. When you don't work, you forget about bank holidays.

Cathy has invited me to visit her in the Big Smoke next weekend. She is really keen. I don't really like London but would love to spend weekend with Cathy. Also she is going to party on Saturday night. I hate parties. So, am in a dilemma. To go or not to go.

This is a long post. I must be bored. Will get my gardening gloves on and go do some weeding!